Forgiveness before I leave(the real one 2)
by KLS-Blueskies
Summary: a really suicidal Alex and his last message to everyone. Bad summary so just read even if you don't like it. now a TWO SHOT with Tom and Sabina's thoughts.
1. Chapter 1

**Forgiveness before I leave **

Sometimes I just wish, I could run away and hide.

But I know I can't… wherever I go MI6, Scorpia, everyone, will find me_. _Hiding is impossible.

No matter where I go, these feelings stay inside. feelings of guilt, regret and endless pain_._ Guilt for all the people who died because of me…because…because I had to go and be a spy, Alex Rider teenage Spy Extraordinaire…

Its all my fault. _Not that I wanted to be one but my fault anyhow. _

The overflowing fountain of regret that I feel every second of the day. Regret that I couldn't have tried harder to protect all of them, that I didn't find out who Ian was and stop him from going Cornwall then none of this would have happened. If I had then I would be living a boring life with school, homework and girls like every other NORMAL teenage boy.

Instead I wasted my teenage life going on dangerous missions and missing schools and can I stay here and live each day a lie, a lie that keeps growing and evolving into an even bigger one but what can I do. If I tell them the truth then I can be guaranteed that they'll be in even more all I want to do is close my eyes and…. And die?

I see the pain I cause everyone around me, withevery tear I shed, I ask for forgiveness for what I'm about to do, for taking the easy way out but I just can't bare it anymore which ever single drop of my tears that fall I say I'm sorry I couldn't protect you all.

All I have left is Tom but who is to say he won't be taken away from me tomorrow. He says he'll always be there but how does he know, how can I believe that when everything I care for disappears before my eyes. So I plead with you tom, let me go instead I can't stay with you so please let me go.I wish I could be with you , in a happy place where everything was okay, I wish I could take you with me but I want you to stay here for me' live your life for the both of us but I can't stay I want to go to that special place where there all waiting for me… Mum, Dad, Uncle Ian, jack. Whether it exists or not, it is time for me to face.I ask for your forgiveness. It may seem ungrateful, but this life's not meant for me I just want to be you for all your love and care , for all the fun times we shared, It means the world to me, to know that someone cared…Bye love you even in death.

_The body of 15 year old Alex Rider was found in the Thames early this morning. It seems the teen had committed suicide. Police has revealed that they found a letter for someone from where he jumped and will be contacting…_

Tom Harris sat shocked at his kitchen table staring at the TV. Everything was eerily quiet and it seems for once his parents weren't arguing.

It had to be a joke or…or another Alex Rider, He had to be dreaming. The flashing lights and the sound of police sirens filled his ears. The doorbell rings and without even registering getting up he was opening the door to see sombre looking police officers staring back at him with sympathetic pitying eyes and he knew. It was real… Alex was gone.

**A/N**

**I'm not a really good writer and I just felt like writing this so if it wasn't any good sorry but I had to write it. Review please.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Tom Harris' P.O.V**

It has been weeks since Alex committed suicide (almost 6 weeks) and the days just seem to drag on now that Alex isn't around.

I go to bed and have another sleepless night, even when I take all those medicines countless therapists and doctors prescribed me, I just can't close my eyes without hearing Alex's voice, reading the contents of the letter he left me. I can see the look of utter defeat on his face, his eyes dulled in surrender…then… I'd see him jump.

My eyes would spring open and I would pray that its time to get up only to look at my alarm clock and see that only minutes have passed instead of the hours I felt.

I would sit in my room and stare at the wall until I hear rustling and the creak of the floorboards as my parents awake and begin to get ready for the day. I would slowly get dressed for school and then head downstairs to the kitchen where as always my parents would be waiting for me, so they could inspect me and see how I was 'holding up'.

"Morning" they would say to me in a soft voice as if all the glass in the room would shatter if it were said any other way. And I would just reply with a nod; for some reason I haven't spoken since I found out about Alex and I could tell it was beginning to worry my parents, they haven't even argued since Alex either.

"Tom are you alright" my dad would ask and again I'd just nod and head for the door instead of staying for breakfast; cause I knew we would have just sat there in uncomfortable silence as my parents observed me, trying to find out if I was going to try and kill myself like Alex did.

As I walked into the school with my face set in the expressionless mask I have perfected over the last couple of weeks, everyone goes quiet and stops talking, deciding to just stare at me instead, but I just continue walking, not paying any attention to anyone. What happened is never spoken of, at least not when I'm around. There are no words, just silence. I know what there all thinking they probably thought he just got into some problems to do with drugs and killed himself. They all hate him somewhat. I can see it in their eyes when they think I cannot see them. Hate, but no violence.

The teachers all look at me with pity, something I have grown to hate since all this happened. So much pity. Nevertheless, there is something else in their expressions. Sadness…Sadness without tears.

I look around myself and all I see are humans, without fears; sure they fear the little stuff like spiders and paying bills but after knowing Alex I realised that those aren't real things to fear, what they should fear are all the things Alex had gone through, but they remain clueless about all of it.

I'm waiting and wondering. When will the ground break? When will I be free from all these people who are living without knowing what's really out there?

Slowly, the darkness creeps and settles into our hearts and takes those we hold dear, but still, no one weeps. Is it because it was 'Alex druggie Rider'? Is that why no one seems to really care?

This world has grown cold now that I have no one left to hold.

I fear that I too will join them soon, without Alex here.

My one special friend has been taken away from me and without his friendship, there's only one thing I can see myself becoming now that everything around me has been broken.

**Sabina Pleasures P.O.V**

Finding out someone you are close to and is secretly in love with killed himself isn't all that great but what made it worse was that I found out from a letter a blunt straight to the point letter which must have been written by someone without a heart all it said was

_**Dear Miss pleasure**_

_**It would seem that Mr Rider has committed suicide **_

_**But lets not get into too much information in a letter **_

_**The funeral will be on February 28**__**th**__** starting at 12.00 blah blah blah**_

It not even had in a 'sorry for your loss' it was just plain.

I can understand why Alex killed himself but of course that doesn't stop me from missing him and all the great things I saw in him and all the great times we've had together.

Here I am again thinking about him again, just like I've been doing since I found out. Thinking of how much I miss him right now. How I wished I had told him what he meant to me and how special he was to me from the moment we met.

I miss the times when he was here, telling me to have no fear because he wasn't going to let anything or anyone hurt me. I miss the way he would tell me to hold my head up high and be strong because no-one can cause me harm if they don't see fear.

Alex was my hero. He still is, even if he isn't here anymore.

He saved me and my family and its one of the reasons I love him. If it wasn't for him my Dad wouldn't be here right now comforting me about his death. And for that I'm grateful, for that I forgive him for leaving me but I still miss him.

I miss the way he looked at me. He always had a look in his eyes that hid the shadows of his gruesome experiences; a look that said to keep faith, everything will work out if you just have faith.

Now that your gone I wonder if I can still have faith and in what. Now that you're gone what can I have faith in?.I miss the sound of his sweet voice as he tries to calm me when I was sad or angry or when I was worried something would happen, his voice would be calm and relaxed as if nothing was happening as if we weren't in the greatest danger at that moment whispering re-assuring nothings into my ears.

Alex was such a caring person. He loved to care for others but could never allow other people to care for him. He was so caring that it both helped and hurt me; I fell in love and he left me lonely when I'd rather he stayed.

I knew he had no control over things like that it was all MI6's fault they used him and made him do what he did. He would go on missions and return broken and colder, never fully relaxed but always tense and on the look out. Each time returned he was less like a teenager but I said I'd one day he never returned and my tears were so hot they almost burned I have to be strong cause crying and mourning wont bring him back.

Better late than never so I guess its time I said what I've been holding in.

"I love you Alex"

**AN- Ok so I wanted to leave this as a one shot cause I had no idea how I would expand but some people wanted to know his friends reactions and thought to his suicide which I was totally clueless on so I just wrote this as the final ending of the story, but the basic drift of the story is Alex killed himself so toms gone expressionless and mute and Sabina is moving on even though slowly but in order to do that she had to say 'I love you' out loud. :D Bye Bye.**


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